The swill of meal went down Amarian’s throat, yet it brought him no solace from what plagued his mind. He still heard Naldar’s words in his head, the ones that spoke of him considering Amarian as something more than a simple squire. The boy shook his head. Son of the Lord of Nanthrazil. What a title that was, what a title indeed.
But was he quite ready for it? He knew that there was more to it than simply calling Naldar father. The centaur lord took pride in his racial heritage. He would not adopt a human as a son. This was an unspoken truth. He would change Amarian first, hire a biomage to make him a centaur as well. This wasn’t troubling, but it was a heavy thing to think upon.
Amarian had become Naldar’s squire with the promise that one day he would be able to return to Hollith and better it with what he had learned here. If he took this opportunity, that path would be shut to him. Hollith was on amiable terms with Nanthrazil, despite the warnings of Iregion, but centaurs were still not welcome among the common people. If he chose to become Naldar’s son, then he would take on Naldar’s race with it. His loyalties would be to them, not to what he had known and loved in his childhood. This was not something he knew if he could live with.
Alcohol was not helping him. It’s familiar avenues of escape were shut off from him on this night of deep thought. So Amarian got up and flicked a gold coin to the centaur behind the bar. He took it with a nicker and put it in a box below the counter as Amarian strode out into the hallway.
The cold black stone of the Dark Spire held no comfort for him. Yet he strode on, hoping that simply walking would clear his mind. His short sword shifted a little on his back and he tightened the buckle as he walked on.
He arrived at a courtyard. A group of Unsidhe were standing there, their long sable cloths making it seem as though they were one with the stone of the place. Amarian stood a distance off and watched them. The creatures had never been his favorite. Naldar entertained them because of their proximity to Nanthrazil’s southern border, out of a wish to secure the land. Yet they were still unsettling. Cold blue eyes, no hair on their heads, and curved ears all combined made them seem like visages out of some child’s nightmare. Amarian would be glad when they were gone.
As he watched, he noticed what seemed to be a bit of shadow that moved like a man. It was in the background, moving in step with the Unsidhe as they walked and conversed among themselves. Amarian kept a close eye on it.
The shadow drew nearer to the Unsidhe. Now Amarian saw the glint of steel within it, the sign of a blade. This was an assassin. Without thinking, he rushed forward as the assassin rushed to strike. Two of the Unsidhe were swept aside by it’s swift course. As it drew near a particularly well-dressed Unsidhe, however, Amarian drew his sword and put it between the assassin and his target. The blades met with a vicous clang and the Nanthrazil squire got a good look at his opponent.
He was about the same size of a man, if perhaps a foot or so shorter. His face was wrapped in strips of black cloth, and he wore brown leather everywhere else. Not one inch of skin was visible anywhere. His weapons, twin long knives with cruel writing on them, shone in the sun that fell through the small windows in that place.
The assassin pulled his blades back and withdrew into a defensive stance. Amarian stood between him and the Unsidhe. “Draw back.”
The assassin laughed. “No. I have to earn my price.” He struck forward with his long knives. Amarian did his best to parry. The twin blades flashed and whistled in the air so fast he almost couldn’t keep up. But he held his ground, moving his twin sword with grace and power as he had been taught by Naldar himself. The centaur’s tutelage was not wasted. Amarian kept pace with the assassin.
There was a pause. “Leave this place,” Amarian said. “You are not welcome here.”
“Not a chance,” the assassin said, and he came forward again. The two were joined in battle. Amarian did his best to hold up against his opponent. Offense was no option here, the squire was too outclassed. He resorted to a defensive stance, trying to hold out until either the assassin gave up, or some kind of aid came. The assassin almost toyed with him, jabbing and feigning here and there with lightning quickness.
There was the sound of thundering hooves. The two combatants turned and looked. Naldar had come, with two of his bodyguard. Amarian turned back to the assassin with a proud smile on his face.
“Now you have nowhere to run to.”
The assassin hissed. “That’s what you think.” There was an explosion of black smoke. Amarian coughed and waved it away from his face. Once his eyes recovered from the flash and the soot, he saw that his assailant had fled. He growled and cursed under his breath.
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125,004 Literary Works • 672,794 Reviews
Hey Rice Crispy
Shina here for a review.
This is a good hook ^^ However, I think there's a little problem with the following:
The words are in Amarian's head, right? Then who is this "him". Is that Naldar or Amarian?
I think maybe just scrapping out "him considering"
Either italics or quotes around "father" because you're referring to that word.
D: Centaurs! Your avatar fits
Also, this is pretty interesting. I've never heard of stories that had centaurs as the main character, nor have I ever heard of a centaur lord turning a human into a centaur.
Oh dear -.-" I know this is fantasy, but you are totally giving us an info dump here. The other parts were good for the hook, but I have no idea what's going on in here. You need to bring the readers into the story by painting them a picture with imagery and showing rather than telling.
Another thing, it's really confusing @_@ If the reader isn't an expert on fantasy, this would be... a bit troubling for them.
I like this line ^^ However "It's" should be "Its"
You never use "so" at the beginning of the sentence in 3rd person D: Only in 1st POV narrative.
I thought by "He" you were referring to "Amarian", so you should mention it's the bartender.
Though your plot is interesting, you're missing the element of setting :[
I have no idea where Amarian is, I just have a general idea of hte kingdom and what the people look like.
*vicious?
This seems a bit contradictory. Maybe "He was nearly the same size of a man, perhaps a foot or so shorter."
One foot could make all the difference between a hobbit and a dwarf or an elf and a human (whatever the comparison)
Gold sticker for the imagery
Is he laughing like a little girl with a high-pitched squeak, or is it deep?
You already described the knives as "long" (unless it's a type of blade, in which I do apologize in advance). It's also repitition, so maybe "He struck forward with his blades"?
^^ You must know a lot about fight scenes.
"Came forward" seems a bit slow. Maybe "shot forward" or "darted forward" since he's an assassin.
I'm getting no emotion here. I see no sweat on their brows or their facial expressions. Nothing. You might want to mention that so the fight seen can become three-dimensional.
Tell-y with the bodyguard part. You could mention that there were bodguards poised beside him.
I don't think "proud" would be the word. There isn't really anything to be proud of because Naldar just came in. Maybe triumphant or wry.
T
Might want to mention that the assassin threw something on the ground to make the smoke.
---------------------------
Positives: Your plot and conflict seem to be what you focused on. Also the battle scene. It shows ^^ You also have good use of literary devices and descriptions.
Negatives: I have no idea where the setting is and I'm not sure what anyone looks like aside from the assasin. It's still a blur in my mind. You need to show a vivid image because not everything from your thoughts are being transferred through your fingertips.
Overall: Just needs some touching up, adding some more imagery, less info dump, and it'll be good ^^
Hope that helped
-Shina
>< (That's not at the story. Just the dates between this post and the original)
"Mead" instead of "meal"
Your first line did a pretty good job on hooking us. So it was good on that count.
This feels disjointed from line one. This description doesn't really imply that Amarian is plagued by this thought. It just seems to be weighing on him. The first sentence here is also slightly long and the wording is hard to get past. (If that's not a proof of concept, I'm not sure what is...)
I'm having a somewhat hard time getting into Amarian's head here. The foremost reason is mentioned above, but there's just something here. I think it's because we don't get the troubling part about this "problem" until paragraph three. Before, we're interested in what's being said because there's a slight bit of curiosity, but we don't have anything to really care about until much later. Which makes this somewhat hard to slug through.
Again, you're not keeping true to the first line. Something is plaguing his mind, remember. By telling us that's not troubling, readers are left wondering what is the troubling bit. I'm starting to ask "why should I care about all this information?" You answer that in paragraph three, but if we start to become estranged with the story, we are left with slight apathy towards the characters.
I don't remember the mention of bettering Hollith in The Head of Gildabareth. I just remember him being able to go back.
Country names, especially fantasy ones, tend to be really hard to read. For that reason alone, I think there should be only one such name per sentence when you're just introducing them all. (Sentence one explains one country, the pattern continues twice more). It would spread things out and give us an element of conflict. Because right now this doesn't sound like Amarian is weighing the possibilities. It sounds like he, or an omniscient narrator, is just saying what's going on. Needs a spark to really make us feel like he's troubled.
Now we're starting to get into his head a little more. A lot more, when we just look at this line on it's own. Still, there's no real pull. We have a push, Naldar, but I'm not feeling much pull from Amarian's memories. Put one or two in so we know what he'd be missing out on.
I will keep coming back to this. "Deep thought" is not how I'd describe the above scene. There isn't enough outside description (choice words that help put emotion into the scene) or internal monologue to really put any emotion into the above scene.
I'll ramble more about this later.
Not sure about "so" in this sentence. It's implied; you don't need to put it in. Also, it breaks up flow.
The viewpoint here is fuzzy. If Amarian is striding into the hallway, then he wouldn't be able to see the centaur put the coin into the box. It's not bad, most because of the omniscient tone, but I'm not one for it.
And every time I read this I'm wondering just how many drinks he had to be able to talk and fight after. It's implied he had many, but the rest of the scene doesn't hold the feel he's drunk.
Because you use the words "cold" and "black" to describe the tower, (with the name "Spire" thrown in there) there is no sense of comfort for us in the first place. Finding out that it normally does is a bit odd.
I'd like to know where the buckle is.
In this paragraph, you have used "walk" twice. Normally I'm a stickler for repetition, but in this case it works. For the boring, monotonic feel of this section, repetition like that can be beneficial.
A little too much space between the name of the race and the description of said race here. It feel like you're trying to get more on the current political situation. I'd switch around the order so the description was closer to the name of the race, and maybe mention skin tone. I've seen too many horribly pale nightmarish creatures to understand why they are blending in.
Also, how does Amarian fit in to all of this? Something to make country relations like this more appealing is to throw your MC in there sometimes. Does he have to entertain them as well, or does he avoid them? Right now we only know that he dislikes them.
Side note- Don't all humans have curved ears?
The part after "what" could be reworked. Something less hard to slug through and a bit shorter. Try to cut down on the number of prepositions. This is an important part of the scene. Make it stand out.
I'd like a more solid measurement of distance on this. When I first read it, I thought the shadow was really close to the group, but if it had been close they would have noticed it, no? Put a more tangible location, like "along the wall a few meters away" so we have a better sense of distance.
I find this key point to be burred within its sentence, odd as that may sound. What I mean is, the sudden realization that this is an assassin is presented in a rather bland way. If you were to cut "this was" from the sentence, it would make "an assassin" pop like it should.
I believe it was Stella who pointed out the repetition here. I agree with her. Action scenes deserve more of a vocabulary.
Grammar is one thing here. Drop the apostrophe.
The second thing is how "its" doesn't have an antecedent. Is "it" the blade's course? The assassin's course? What?
"However" just bogs down this sentence unnecessarily. It kills the action.
For some reason I thought it was night. I think it is because most people head to bars at night, not during the day.
You've just used "long" to describe those knives right before this. It feels repetitive.
I believe you mean twin edged sword?
I feel there should be more explanation on this. Like, "There was a pause as..."
This whole thing feels repetitive of the fight scene before. Even though you have varied your description, you are, in essence, saying the same things as before. (Notice I didn't quote the last line of this. That one was new, but it felt like that description should have been in the first fight scene because this was repetitive)
A place where the omniscient PoV works!
If there is not a continuation of this, like the centaurs not noticing where the assassin went, you are going to have one big ramble on the first line of part two...
*
Okay, I don't think it's possible to divide this up since the issues I have really just flow together...
There is a way to make the omniscient viewpoint work, and that is choice description. Here is an article on the subject. I would suggest taking the principles in there and applying them here. (which you can really afford to do so nobody is confused that this is happening during the day...) Because with the amount of info dumps at the beginning, we need to feel something from this. Put Amarian into every description/info dump as possible. If you don't, there's nothing to really keep us into the story. It's just setting itself up for what's going to happen next. Which, although it works for getting the information down, it doesn't keep readers interested to they extent they can be.
Take Carouselia for instance. Despite my rant on viewpoints, the MC was there for all the scenes. I will also admit that there wasn't a need for any backstory, but you get my point (I hope). When you put your MC in more often, it makes us want to read more and sets up some internal conflict. Right now we don't have much (if any) conflict to keep us going. Well, alright, there is some conflict here because this work did hold my attention. But it didn't hold it as well as it could have.
When you start dealing with such a complicated history (I count three political conflicts here: The tension between Hollith, Nanthrazil and Iregion, the tension between centaurs and humans in Hollith, and Naldar's desire to have the Unsidhe's land) you really need to put in a more human element. It can also be interesting to mirror internal conflicts with external ones. Just an idea.
I would watch the redundancy you've got in some locations. Even though you're pretty good with strait-out repetition, sometimes it just feels like you are repeating the same things over. Which can be good for effect, but it's not very good if you're wanting to keep a conflict going. Readers begin to think that nothing new is going to happen unless the repetition is done very well. (Check out "Stairs" by anti pop. Very well done repetition)
That being said, you could stand to add in more of the scenery. I had no idea where these characters were, which can be useful when you have a rough idea of what things look like (mention some things like walls of a courtyard or hardly any sunlight coming through early on) but when you throw descriptions at us like you're doing now, it can be jarring.
I think that's it. Major issues (Just to make sure I've talked about everything): Not enough MC, too much history, could use more description and redundant repetition.
And I keep feeling there's something else.
Conflict. Right. All of those issues add up to not enough conflict in the beginning of this. You have some external conflict, which keeps us going through the work, but there's hardly any internal conflict. That can be done by fixing the issues I mention above, but when I look really deep, that's the root of the problem as I see it.
Drop me a line if you have any questions.
~Rosey
This is a really fascinating comment. I read and review a lot of unpublished fantasy, and you've put your finger on a problem I find to be very common - a lack of human impact. I often find that aspiring writers are good at creating new names and concepts, but less good at creating fully-realised characters who interact in recognisably human ways with those new concepts. And that's what it takes to make a story come alive.
Er, sorry for the threadjack.
Hey Conrad! Stella here!
So I'm avoiding reviewing in Chat and ask Squall to give me something to review... he linked me here and told me it was worthy of reviews (which I'm positive it is). So here I go!
I. NITPICKS
Should Father be capitalized?
centaurs, of course, it's you after all,
Why? Does the change take away his memories, his loves and fears and emotions?
Its. Remember, it's like "he's" or "she's", but "its" like "his" or "hers."
I'm still on Chat and we're discussing the fact this is sort of a continuation, yes? So I'll have to check the first bit out to understand it fully I guess. In the meantime, Unsidhe? Am I on completely the wrong track, or does that mean "un-faerie"?
Cloths? Clothes? Cloaks?
I'm not liking the two rushes.
Again, its.
I'm finding two problems with this:
-if he's a foot shorter, then he isn't the same size.
-men can be all different sizes anyway, one could be five foot six, another six foot six, that's a foot's difference...
To be honest, I would get rid of the line, or write a few more after it, it just doesn't seem like an ending, I'm waiting for him to say something or do something or...
Okay...
II. NAMES AND PLACES
Sometimes I stay away from Fantasy because a lot of the time there are just so many big names and sometimes not enough humanisation... So just for a minute, think about Amarin. Naldar wants to adopt him. Forgetting alliances or race or anything like that: what would it be like? Does he want Naldar as a father? Did he know his own parents, is he like them? If not, is he the type of parent he imagined for himself, or had he not given much thought to it?
I'd love to see more of what he sees, the bar, for instance. Does he look round at its other patrons? Or is he too caught up in himself? What's the barman like, would he ever talk to him or do they leave each other alone, and is that worth noticing?
Am I using too many question marks? (Yes, yes I am). But I'd like to see you step away from the names and the races and just look at things on a more simple level. Sure, include all the politics of alliances and things, but also think about what you would do in this situation. And when the Unsidhe is attacked, what is it that makes him go after the assassin? What's he thinking as the actions are going on?
Be careful not to just make it a list of names and places, as so many fantasy stories can be. Come on, Con. You're good with this kind of stuff.
III. OVERALL
I think it could use work. I've read your pieces before, Mr. Rice, and they're spectacular. I think this needs more emotion, and more happening in it, and then it'll be good.
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella.
Basically, I think your plot is pretty good. But as Karsten pointed out, you began the story with a scene after a supposed climax. If you began it before Amarian starts to eat the meal, the story would be more interesting.
Also, the fight gave me the impression that they were in slow motion. They just jabbed at each other; that was what I thought. Neither the assassin nor Amarian seem to care about the fight at all. Well, except the part about the assassin wanting his price --- or should it be prize? Besides, how valuable was the Unsidhe? How did Naldar know about the fight and why was it so fast for Naldar to bring aid to Amarian?
Anyway, keep up the good work! Hope my comments helped~ =]
This is a great beginning. I don’t have any plot or character faults to mention. I think the biggest problem is your tendency to make your prose very wordy, and sometimes add extra bits here or there that just weigh it down.
“The swill of meal went down Amarian’s throat, yet it brought him no solace [s]from what plagued his mind[/s].” Since you go on to talk about what plagues him, I don’t think the initial mention of it is necessary.
“the ones that spoke of him considering Amarian as something more than a simple squire.” This is a little wordy. Maybe “when he spoke of Amarian as something more than a simple squire.”
“What a title that was, what a title indeed.” This may be small, but I think you should cut “what a title indeed”.
“He would not adopt a human as a son. This was an unspoken truth.” It was an unspoken truth that he would not adopt a human son.
“Amarian had become Naldar’s squire with the promise that one day he would be able to return to Hollith and better it with what he had learned here.” The wording at the beginning of this sentence makes it sound at first like it was a promise Amarian made to Naldar, instead of the other way around.
“This was not something he knew if he could live with.” He didn’t know if that was something he could live with.
“He took it with a nicker [s]and put it in a box below the counter[/s] as Amarian strode out into the hallway.”
“The cold black stone of the Dark Spire held no comfort for him. Yet he strode on, hoping that simply walking would clear his mind.” He strode through the Dark Spiral, hoping that simply walking would clear his mind.
(You use “strode” twice within three sentences.)
“A group of Unsidhe were standing there” You use a lot of words, names, and terms in the very beginning of this story that the readers aren’t familiar with yet. The ones before this are easy enough; names of countries, and people. But I think it would be helpful if you added a very small mention of who the Unsidhe are.
ex. The group Big Brother, the team of moderators on yws, …
“their long sable cloths making it seem as though they were one with the stone of the place.” Their long sable cloths making them seem one with the stones of the place.
“Cold blue eyes, no hair on their heads, and curved ears all combined made them seem like visages out of some child’s nightmare.” Cold blue eyes, no hair on their heads, and curved ears all combined to make them seem…
“He was about the same size of a man, if perhaps a foot or so shorter.” He was perhaps a foot shorter than a man.
“His face was wrapped in strips of black cloth, and he wore brown leather everywhere else. Not one inch of skin was visible anywhere.” His face was wrapped in strips of black cloth, and brown leather covered every inch of his body.
“His weapons, twin long knives with cruel writing on them, shone in the sun [s]that fell through the small windows in that place[/s].”
“The twin blades flashed and whistled in the air so fast he almost couldn’t keep up.” …so fast he could barely keep up.
Double negatives are confusing.
“[s]The two were joined in battle.[/s]”
“[s]Amarian did his best to hold up against his opponent.[/s]” You said the gist of this already.
“Once his eyes recovered [s]from the flash and the soot[/s], he saw that his assailant had fled.”
You see what I’m getting at, right? The story itself is sound; you just have a lot of dead weight. Obviously you don’t have to make the changes exactly how I wrote them; use your judgment.
I just think the things I pointed out are unnecessary, and the story would move faster without them.
Great stuff here, boy. =)
Hi Conrad,
I'm confused as to whether this is the start of a story. I can't seem to find a prologue, but this piece starts in a weird place - in an undramatic moment, pondering what was apparently a dramatic moment that we aren't going to get to see, which is now being described to the reader via chunks of exposition. I feel like I've gone to a football stadium to see a match but the crowd is already leaving.
Assuming that this is intended to be an opener, I'm afraid I started to skim pretty quickly. It's all static: a narrator (one I've never met and thus have had no opportunity to care about) is thinking about something he doesn't have particularly strong feelings about. He's not sure if he's ready, things are heavy to think on, he doesn't know if he can live with this etc etc. It's vague. It's undecided. It's waffle.
(By the way, I'm totally lost by what else the narrator is actually doing in this scene. Meal is a type of flour, so he's ... pouring raw flour directly down his throat? But alcohol is involved?)
I enjoyed the brief mention of a biomage, which sounds like it could be a really interesting world-building detail. Unfortunately, the name feels very anachronistic to me, as the word biology wasn't really coined until the 1800s. So I'm expecting steam trains and rifles, not swords.
Amarian just happening to be in the right courtyard when the Unsidhe just happened to be there which just happened to be the moment when the assassin struck is a massive coincidence that stretches my suspension of disbelief. It feels like the author is moving pieces around a game board, rather than events unfolding in a logical and believable way.
The fight scene feels a little slow. Long sentences create a slow feeling, and there isn't a whole lot of sensory or emotional detail here. No fear, no pain, no chaos, no real sense of impact, etc. Neither participant even seems to tire. They're not emotionally engaged, so I'm not emotionally engaged.
Overall, if I picked this up in a bookstore, I probably wouldn't choose to read on. My revision suggestions would be to start at a more dramatic moment and to focus on making the characters care so the reader will care.
Hope this helped.
Karsten
Hey Con! June here!
I felt bad reading and enjoying this and not being able to do it. I'll try the best I can to review this.
I don't have much to point out, but I just want to raise this:
Bodyguard should be bodyguards, because it's plural, dear.
As Flytodreams said, the end part was a bit confusing. It's not the actual vanishing point, but this can be confused. Who curses: Naldar, Amarion or the Assassin?
- - -
I love the tone of your stories, Conrad. They're not necessarily fairy-tale-ish, but they have the classical tone to them, which makes them easy to read, and easy to enjoy.
Your telling and showing is even throughout most of your writing, too. I don't feel that you info dump or anything, yet, when I pay close attention, you're actually telling us the story.
I also love your transitions; they are very smooth and effective, and never leave room for confusion. You also detail very well; not too much and not too little.
Lin was right; it's hard to give anything other than praise when reviewing a story by Mister Rice.
Keep it up, dear. I love your work.
June
Mister Rice! June was right; all you write about are centaurs.
So....can he see? Wouldn't you see this guy with cloth covering his entire head and wonder, "Hey, how does he see?" That just annoys me there. I know it would be pretty stupid for a person to think that in the middle of fight, but wouldn't he think How can that guy see?
That's just something I thought.
Umm... shone in the sun? Or in the sunlight? That line just sounds weird. Changing sun to sunlight will make it sound better, I think.
Moving his twin sword? Zomg, he has two??
I know this is at the beginning, but you have a tendency to start sentences with so. And it annoys me. A lot.
Because I'm not a very good person and thanks to parental controls, I have to stop on the review here. I spent on hour and fifteen minutes on only this. But! I will finish tomorrow, Mister Rice.
I'll be back!
Aaaaand, I'm back! *adds more*
Story
Squire?
What I love about the story
Yes.
And that's the end of my epic review, Mister Rice.
Feel free to PM or IM me if you have any questions or comments.
*Lin
Hiya,
I really like this! The plot, or what of it you revealed, sounds really interesting. The sentences flowed very well.
But the vanishing-with-a-puff-of-smoke thing at the end didn't sound right with the rest of the piece, in my opinion. Maybe you could replace it with something more action-ish?
Keep writing!